Stuck in the closet

 

Every time I look into my closet, I’m ambushed. Not by the shear amount of clothes I have barreling out from behind the door, but instead by what the clothes represent say to me.

“Remember when you could wear this without having to worry about your belly looking like a spare tire?”

“Oh, another day of wearing “fat” clothes?”

“Maybe if you lost some weight.. you would actually be able to pull these pants up over your thighs.”

Even my trusty old sweatpants: “Make sure to wear a baggy shirt so nobody else can see your muffin top”

I wish clothes didn’t exist. Well, maybe that’s not exactly what I mean.. I don’t want naked people running around 24/7. Maybe the world would be a better place if we didn’t have bodies. Instead we would be magical poofs of clouds. Haha, yup that’s a stretch. (I guess words can’t really convey my thoughts here). I just wish that all bodies were the same and that it wasn’t a competition to see who could be the prettiest, most fit, etc. etc.

I really hate picking out clothes in the morning. Or picking clothes out at any time of the day for that matter. About 10% of the time I actually feel comfortable in what I’m wearing while the other 90% I spend my entire day wanting to be alone, afraid of what people are thinking about me in their heads.

But I know (and can’t accept) what the truth is.. They don’t give a damn about what I look like or what I’m wearing.

The only people I should be concerned about are the people that I love.. and they also could care less what I look like.

So why can’t I get past this mental block? Why can’t I feel comfortable in my clothes. I know that in a medical perspective, I’m not overweight. But, I’m on the upper end of normal weight and I used to always be at the lower end of normal weight (and well into an unhealthy weight range). Why am I obsessing over weight? Why do I still feel that desire within to once again get to the unhealthy skinny weight? I understand it’s unhealthy but I don’t understand why I want to be that way.

Dieting is a trigger. Eating is a trigger. Living is a trigger. I feel like my eating disorder is so entwined in my brain that I can’t separate it’s thinking from mine. At least not right now. The best I can do right now is stick in there.. keep fighting.. not giving up.. and maybe someday, I’ll hear my own voice when I look into my closet of clothes. Not my ED’s voice.

 

Smile on my soul.

I woke up this morning with my soul wearing a smile. That hasn’t happened in ..forever. Granted that mood didn’t last forever and I didn’t expect it to. But for the time it lasted, I felt a wonderful lightness within. My body wasn’t my vehicle throughout the day but instead my soul carried me through.

On a less mushy note I’ve run into this quote twice today.. I’ve seen it before but when I read it this time, I truly felt it.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
- Elisabeth Kubler- Ross

Peace out beautiful world.

(:

Giving up isn’t an option

I woke up this morning in a horrible blue funk. I felt such a strong mixture of depressed and angry feelings. I felt out of place in this world and wanted to hide from reality by sneaking off back into sleep. Instead I sat there and tried to understand where these feelings are originating from.

Why am I so angry with myself?

The anger stems from me not being up to my own standards. I’m not watching my caloric intake and as a result I’m not losing weight. I hate the way I feel in my body. I also can’t study. I can’t focus enough to study. I’m angry at school. There’s too much to do. I feel so overwhelmed and like I can’t keep up. I’m angry at myself for not being able to force myself to study.. or force my self to lose weight. I’m angry at myself for letting my body get this way in the first place. And for letting my mind get so fucked up and obsessed with weight/size.

Why do I feel so down in the dumps?

Because I feel like I can’t do anything. I feel like such a failure at everything, at life. Whether its school, work, exercising, battling my ED, or anything.. I feel so unqualified. I feel like there’s nothing I can do right.. Like I’ll never be  good at anything.

Why me? Why am I having so much trouble getting through every day. Why do I feel like such a failure? What makes me so pathetic that I can’t handle what life throws at me? Why can’t I go through a single day loving myself instead of hating every square inch?

I guess life is just going to be tough for a while because there’s no other option but to keep pushing on.

You can’t please everyone..

Well, fuck.

What the hell was that? I was doing so well. Allowing myself to enjoy some chocolate in reasonable amounts.. and then

**BAM**

It was like I just had a (horrible) realization. I shouldn’t be eating chocolate.. or at least according to my eating disorder I shouldn’t be eating chocolate. Chocolate is a bad food. So what options did my eating disorder give? Only one..

Binge. Then purge.

And what did I reply with? A pathetic agreement. Because obviously (according to my Ed) I can’t trust myself, and I should trust the Ed instead.

What a fucking stupid thought process. Of course I can say that now, but during the moment it made perfect sense. I allowed myself to make the B/P acceptable. I broke my rule of no bingeing. That wasn’t me thinking in my head. That was my ED.

What happened next was the usual routine.

**Warning: Graphic description follows**

• Gorge yourself. Eat until your head hearts. Until the overload of sugar causes sharp pains in your stomach. Until you feel your heart beating so fast that you swear it’s going to explode. Don’t stop until you’ve got your fill of bingeing for a lifetime.
• Time to purge. Pull your hair back, take off your watch, take off your necklace. Might as well take off your shirt too, no sense in getting vomit on that again.
• Place your fists against your stomach.. and push with enough force to bring your entire stomach up through your throat. Feel the release of your binge leaving your body. Keep it coming. That’s right, cough it up and let your throat burn. Feel the throbbing pains in your head yet? See the black spots filling in your vision yet? Harder.
• Is that all you got? You know you ate more than that, you piece of shit. Don’t even think about stopping yet. 
• Let the tears fall.. because you’ll never please your ED. Because of the pain in your head and throat. Because of the disgust you feel with yourself. Let the tears fall. Fall.
• Wash your mouth out with water. Grab some baking soda to kill the stomach acid in your mouth.
• Go to the bathroom mirror to clean up
• Take in your appearance in the mirror: Red eyes. Tear stricken face with smeared mascara. Remains of your purge splattered on your cheeks. This isn’t me. This can’t be me. I won’t let this be me anymore. Wash face.
• Write. Write. Write what you feel. Purge your words. Purge the healthy way.

So many times that process has been repeated. So many times my body have undergone that abuse.

When will it stop? Will I ever be free? Will I ever get to actually be able to handle food normally? Love myself for who I am?

Interestingly enough, I went to my piano after my B/P episode. I flipped open one of my piano books and the song I came to was “Garden Party.” I started playing it and for the first time, I looked at the lyrics. When I got to the chorus, I was taken aback by the hidden inspiration and message I felt was almost meant for me:

“..But it’s all right now
I learned my lesson well
You see you can’t please everyone so
You got to please yourself.”

Why do I care so much about what others think? Why do I care what my ED thinks? The only one that I should be concerned about is myself. As long as I’m happy/comfortable/confident with who I am, that’s good enough.

Now it’s just a matter of listening to my voice (not EDs, not society’s, nobody elses) and becoming happy/comfortable/confident with who I am.

One step at a time.

Sugar free jelly, anyone?

What can I binge on that I won’t have to purge up? What can I binge on that I won’t feel guilty about? What can I binge on that barely has any calories but will still give me the satisfaction of bingeing? Sugar free jelly maybe? Or how about sugar free puddin.. 

STOP.

What are you thinking?! A binge is a binge no matter if it’s “healthy” or “junk” food. It’s the behavior and not the choice of food that is the source of my eating disorder. If I let myself continue to binge on anything (even water, carrots, etc), I’ll only be giving my ED more power. I have to quit trying to find excuses/ways for me to allow my ED to continue living alongside me. I was lucky to catch myself just a few moments ago.. but I need to continuously keep myself on high alert for any signs of ED. 

I need to separate myself from ED. I need to be (become) my own person. 

I’ve found it interesting that this past week I haven’t been overly craving a binge on “junk” food or any of my typical binge foods. I’ve come to the realization that I’m going to feel miserable after the binge.. I’ve come to realize that nothing good comes out of a binge.. These feelings completely kill the mood for me and make me not want to binge on the chocolate/icecream/donuts etc. I’m disgusted whenever I think about stuffing myself wth these foods. I think I may have finally gotten over that hurdle in my recovery. When I’m not craving those sweets like crazy, it’s a lot easier to go about my day. I’m not saying I’m over binge/purging, I’m just saying that I’m making steps here. Steps towards recovery..

Hanging in there.

It’s pretty incredible (maybe unfortunate is a better word) how my eating disorder has become so intensely ingrained into my brain that it is habit. 

I felt the urge to binge earlier.. and I just swept it under the rug. I know I fooled myself into thinking I was hungry and wanted more to eat even though I was already full. Why? Same reason as always.. Looking for a quick fix to happiness. Eating gives an immediate high.

So what can I do?

Start by listening to my body. Eat when I’m hungry. Eat whatever I’m hungry for. Wait to keep eating if I feel a full.

Sounds easy enough.. We’ll see tomorrow.

 

Staying strong.

What’s going on?

I want to binge

Why?

Because I’m hungry. 

You’re not hungry and you know it. Why do you really want to binge?

Because it makes me happy. It numbs me from the stresses and problems in my life.

It may numb you but that feeling is temporary and is soon replaced with self hatred. The numb feeling is a quick fix and it ultimately makes you feel worse than before. That is not true happiness. What does being happy -really- mean to you?

True happiness is that feeling of lightness in your soul. When you’re truly happy, everything you look at has a unique beauty to it as if you were seeing the world for the first time. The leaves in the trees sway in an orchestrated movement of harmony with the gentle wind.. You easily admire the beauty of each person walking down the street and note that each person’s uniqueness makes them beautiful. You feel light where you step. You feel happiness lifting you up. Maybe that light feeling comes from realizing that the stress weighing on your shoulders isn’t the important part of life. That stress is disposable. Unnecessary… Because the reality is that the important things in life are the things that make you happy.

What makes you happy?

Being with my friends and family. Being with my boyfriend. Making music. Listening to new music. Running. Exercising. Drawing. Sewing. Dancing. Talking. Nature. 

Being comfortable and confident with being myself. 

What are some of the things you thought of that you thought made you happy but actually are “unnecessary stresses?”

Being perfect. Being successful. Eating. Being skinny. Being the best. 

So what have you learned?

True happiness for me doesn’t come from food (or lack of) and can’t come from being skinny, perfect, or successful.

I have all the components for true happiness in my life right now.

If I can listen to and do the things that truly make me happy… and learn to not focus on the “unnecessary stresses” that lead to pseudo-happiness.. I can be happy. I don’t need to binge for happiness or numbness from the world. I just need to be myself and listen to what I truly need.

Still want to binge?

No I don’t. I want to be happy. And I have the tools to do so

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